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So, I’ve decided that I need to start writing more. Whether people see it or not, I need to at least take 2 minuets out of everyday to write about what’s going on in my mind…

I don’t know why, but I’m having doubts about moving. I moved from Minnesota to Colorado and I’ve been here for about 4 months, and while I absolutely love it out here, I just feel like I’m not finding my…. “groove?” I don’t know if that makes sense… I love the feeling out here. I love waking up every morning to the skyline of the city with the mountains right behind it. Seeing the open, blue sky with the sun shining down on this beautiful city every morning makes me feel grateful for where I live. Lying in bed, I feel at home. But I’m missing companionship.

I’m fine being alone and doing activities on my own. Concerts alone? No problem. Give me live music and this girl is happy. Movies alone? psssh, I’ve been doing that since I was 14. Eating meals alone, please… that’s for amateurs. Being alone…. no problem. But I miss my friends sometimes. I miss the laughter, the closeness I have with them all. I miss the inside jokes, the smiles, the comfort, and the honesty. Sometimes I feel like people don’t get me. I know this sounds petty and like a high school problem, but I don’t feel like I fit in anywhere.

I don’t know how to meet people as well as I thought I did. I can start up a conversation with someone completely random, that’s no problem. But when it comes to making connections, I have no effing idea what I’m doing. I feel like I’m lost half the time. I’m almost 25 and what have I done with my life… seriously.

I have my loves, my passions, my beliefs, but I don’t know how to rebuild new connections. Have I just met the wrong people? How do I meet the right people that fit into my life? I have no idea. I have never felt more at home but such a strong feeling of unease in my life.

There’s a lot of demons I need to deal with that haunt me almost every day, but I try to think of all the things I’m grateful for balance. I have a lot of blessings. I’m not saying my life is hard by any means. I know that there’s always someone who has it worse, but I want to strive for more in life and I know I need to surround myself with people who can help me achieve that as well as me helping them. I just don’t know how to meet those people. I feel like I’m at a stiff standing with my life and I want to push myself past that point but don’t know how to.

Something I need to get out in the open is, my relationship with my ex, well that was a rough one. I thought I would never forgive him. I’m still really hurt by what happened and maybe I’m still sad over the fact that we ended things. But I know that what happened was for the best and we weren’t meant to be together. I know that the person who I’m supposed to be with isn’t him and the right person will treat me in all the right ways that he was lacking. I know that being manipulated isn’t a healthy relationship. But his love is the only one I know. I should be over him by now. I am over him. I thought I could never forgive him, but I have. I’ve let it go. With every moment I let go, I feel myself getting stronger, but that means my guard goes up higher and stronger. I just want to love someone the way that I loved him, but stronger, more real, more honesty. I want to let myself be loved by someone.

I just need the universe to work with me. Help me find myself. Help me find a friend. Help me find a relationship that can only be found in fairy tales.

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