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10.2.12

    Have you ever felt trapped in your own thoughts? My heart hurts. It’s sinking. It falls into the very darkest pit of my stomach. It’s like a weight that cannot be lifted. I’m unable to realize if it’s because I’m leaving, or because I now know what it’s like when someone’s in a controlling relationship. I can spot it from a mile away.
    I love Jordan. He has been my rock since day one and because of that, I will always owe him. I saw Kristen for the first time in over two years. It was hard for me to spit the words out to her, but I hate that she’s in his life again. Jordan is the most caring and understanding person in the world. He has the strongest heart who has so much to offer. She doesn’t deserve it. She fucked it up. She hurt him to the deepest core of who he is. I saw and felt what he went through. I cried myself to sleep sometimes because of what she did to him. Jordan can’t be explained. He is what has kept me alive for as long as I have. He has showed me what it’s like to pick yourself up from the worst of life. He is the strongest person I know. He has accomplished so much and working for so much more.
    If he wants to sleep with her, that’s his decision. But if anything comes more out of it, I don’t know how I can support that. He deserves someone amazing. He deserves someone who is absolutely beautiful. Someone that can give forgiveness, give second chances to, someone that can care, someone that can hold him with so much love and security. He deserves someone that can give him confidence and happiness, someone who can make him happy. Someone that lifts his heart to the highest of all highs. Someone that understands him, that respects him, that cares about HIM. He deserves someone that can’t live without him and no matter the circumstances would do anything for him. Someone that would never loose his trust, understand that that if they lost his trust, they would not know how to survive. He is the only one that deserves the absolute best of anyone. He is the only one I know that deserves the best of the best.
    I can’t give that blessing to Kristen. She doesn’t deserve it. She took it for granted. She regrets it. I know she does. She will find someone, I know she will, but she doesn’t deserve someone like Jordan. He is someone that not only respects woman, but treats them to the up most respect. He knows how to love someone. He knows how to open his heart and give them everything and more. I love Jordan with everything that I am, and re opening those wounds hurt me more than I thought they would. I sit looking at my arm in disgust with the pain from tonight and the pain that I might loose him again with the decision I made of running away.

    When we were standing in the bathroom I was brought right back to junior year of high school; passed out on the bathroom floor with my face pressed against the cold of the tile floor. My heart felt like it dropped 1,000 flights of stairs. She want’s to get back together with him. I could see it in her eyes. I could see the love she still has for him. But my heart crashed into my stomach. She doesn’t get him. She doesn’t deserve him. As I sit to the side watching this all happen, all I can think is why? I want to tell him NO. I want to tell him that he deserves an angel. I want to shake him and tell him that he can sleep with her that’s fine, but she’s thinking something different.
    I don’t know what I would do without Jordan in my life. He’s the one that keeps me on track. He’s the one that has helped keep me together. I know I should not rely on him, but he’s someone I know I can trust and rely on. He’s something that I know if things get a little hazy, I can turn to him. I love him. I wish I could have someone in my life like that who’s more than a friend. I wish that him I could be worthy of him.

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