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2.28.13

Jordan,

    I’ve been contemplating telling you this. You know that I tell you everything. There’s absolutely nothing I hide from you. My heart is forever yours in the way that there has never been a time that I’ve ever felt the need to hide any of my secrets from you. I may be guarded at first, but I know that there’s no reason to be nothing but myself with you.
    I will always remember the first day I not only met you, but also, the day I realized that there was no need to hide the darkness, the happiness, the full spirited greatness I know I have. It was spring break of 2005, we were at Will’s parents “rental” house and we were sitting on the back of your truck gazing into the sky searching for answers to our teenage lives. I don’t remember what we talked about, but I do know it was the first time in a long time I let my guard down when I was desperately trying to build it higher and stronger so no one could ever be let near my heart again. I remembered I was on a verge of tears because I could finally feel my heart coming to life when I thought I had forever lost it. While we didn’t keep in close contact after that, as time grew on, you have been the only one to stand by my side even when I feel like the loneliest person on the planet.
    All of our intellectual, deep hearted, conversations has meant the world. Somedays I don’t know if anyone can ever keep up with me with all the twists and turns my mind seems to take me. From day one, you’ve always been the go to person. Even when it comes to side clenching laughter, I know you are the one I wish to be with. When race was ever bothering me, you were the only one to make me understand the potential beauty I have within me. You helped others see me in different lights and always stood by me, protecting me from the harsh challenges life sometimes throws us. I don’t know how I ever ended up with such an amazing person in my life.
    I know that when Will and I were together, I wasn’t allowed to see you and you know how much that destroyed me. I know you hated and resented me for it too. But I am SO elated that we have been able to reconnect again, even with me being miles away. Again, you continue to prove to me how lucky I am to have a friend like you in my life.

    The point in me telling you this is, I really don’t want you to resent me again, or think I’m crazy and over reacting. I know what I did was wrong, and I’m taking the steps to get back on the right track and stop my self-mutilation. I’ve had slip ups and been battling demons I didn’t even realize I had. Apparently when I stopped overdosing, I found a new way of coping, a way to release my anxiety. My feelings run so strongly, I didn’t know how to express verbally. I’m still learning, but my feelings are something I can’t control. As much as I resent it, I am a sentimental person who feels emotions through out my whole body. I’d like to think I was a brick wall, but we’d both know I was lying. I haven’t wanted to take my life in years now and my cutting was never means to kill myself, it has purely been because I have so many feelings that the only way for me to release them was to see something, anything, come out of my skin. The pain wasn’t something that concerned me. It was the release that I needed. I didn’t know how to do it any other way.
    It started two nights before I left for Colorado when I was at your house and Kristen was their. I was so overwhelmed with what was happening and for me, everything that she did to you re-entered my body and I didn’t know how to deal with it. I hadn’t seen her in two years and even though you told me she was coming, I wasn’t really expecting to get the “I’m sorry speech” at Len’s birthday. For some reason, I snapped and tried to cover it up, but leaving for Colorado, and knowing I wasn’t going to see you in months, and then having to think about what happened two years ago just was too much emotional stress for me at the time. It was no one’s fault but my own. I should have left the situation or talked about it and not felt I needed to sugar coat anything. But I felt restricted, and guarded especially around you, and that’s not who I am.

    I know you say you haven’t felt better since you’ve been with her, but I need you to know that even though I was saying I was supportive, it was literally eating me alive. I’m sorry. I really am. I tried being supportive. Honestly, sometimes it was easier for me to forget that you two were hooking up and it was just a thing you two needed to get out of your system. I really tried to see both sides, I wanted you to do what you wanted to, but at the same time it pierced every inch of my body. Since day one, I have always wanted your happiness and if this is what you chose, I will be standing by you 100%.That night when I got home I was up writing about you. You are the most amazing person I have ever met and I know I have taken you for granted in the past and I hate myself for doing that, and sometimes I have to remind myself that you and I are still moving forward when I have those toxic nightmares.
    But while I will stand by you 100% in whatever you chose to do, I need to say my peace. It might seem weird, but these are just some of the excerpts I wrote on October 2nd; it’s the best way for me to explain to you what I know you deserve.

    “Have you ever felt trapped in your own thoughts? My heart hurts. It’s sinking. It falls into the very darkest pit of my stomach. It’s like a weight that cannot be lifted. Jordan is the most caring and understanding person in the world. He has the strongest heart who has so much to offer. She doesn’t deserve it. She fucked it up. She hurt him to the deepest core of who he is. I saw and felt what he went through. I cried myself to sleep sometimes because of what she did to him. Jordan can’t be explained. He is what has kept me alive for as long as I have. He has showed me what it’s like to pick yourself up from the worst of life. He is the strongest person I know. He has accomplished so much and working for so much more.”

    “He deserves someone amazing. He deserves someone who is absolutely beautiful. Someone that can give forgiveness, give second chances to, someone that can care, someone that can hold him with so much love and security. He deserves someone that can give him confidence and happiness, someone who can make him happy. Someone that lifts his heart to the highest of all highs. Someone who understands him, that respects him, that cares about HIM. He deserves someone that can’t live without him and no matter the circumstances would do anything for him. Someone that would never loose his trust, understand that that if they lost his trust, they would not know how to survive. He is the only one that deserves the absolute best of anyone. He is the only one I know that deserves the best of the best.”

    “He is someone that not only respects woman, but treats them to the up most respect. He knows how to love someone. He knows how to open his heart and give them everything and more. I love Jordan with everything that I am, and re opening those wounds hurt me more than I thought they would. I sit looking at my arm in disgust with the pain from tonight and the pain that I might loose him again with the decision I made of running away.”

    “When we were standing in the bathroom I was brought right back to junior year of high school; passed out on the bathroom floor with my face pressed against the cold of the tile floor and a bottle of pills in my hand. My heart felt like it dropped 1,000 flights of stairs. She want’s to get back together with him. I could see it in her eyes. I could see the love that still runs through her veins for him. But my heart crashed into my stomach. She doesn’t get him. She doesn’t deserve him. As I sit to the side watching this all happen, all I can think is why? I want to tell him NO. I want to tell him that he deserves an angel. I want to shake him and tell him that he can sleep with her that’s fine, but she’s thinking something different.
    I don’t know what I would do without Jordan in my life. He’s the one that keeps me on track. He’s the one that has helped keep me together. I know I should not rely on him, but he’s the one constant person in my life to help me remember that relying on myself can only go so far. I’m strong and independent, yet letting others see you for who you really are can be just as rewarding. He’s something that I know if things get a little hazy, I can turn to him. I love him. I wish I could have someone in my life like that who’s more than a friend. I wish that I could be worthy of him.”

    So, there’s a look into my crazy mind… Like I said, this was back in October before you and her started re-connecting. I know things have been going so well for you two, and I really truly am happy for you. I just needed you to know that those are the qualifications I have in mind for you when it comes to your significant other. I just want to make sure that she’s that person again. If you say she is, I will trust you and be their supporting you two in any way possible. I just have been holding that in for a while because I wanted to be supportive for you without disappointing you. I feel like I was holding onto a lie from you which is completely out of character with me when it comes to our communication. Because of it, not only has it been haunting me (literally, hence my nightmares) but also because I want you to know how much you really mean to me. Sometimes phone calls and text messaging can only get so far. Plus, when it comes to THIS amount of information, it’s better for me to write.
    I’m sorry if it was too much information. I’m sorry if you didn’t like what I said about Kris. But in that moment of time. I was way too overwhelmed. I know that she’s changed. I know now that you two have been actually doing more than just hooking up. Now, I know that you’re really happy with her and not just fucking around. But I just felt like I had to give you my honest opinion.
    My heart is pounding as I’m writing this to you. I really hope you don’t hold anything against me, but if you do, please see it from my perspective as well and know how much I really care and cherish you. I just want you to be happy. You mean the absolute world to me.

Kate.

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One Trackback/Pingback

  1. By the truth. | one day at a time on 01 Mar 2013 at 6:52 am

    […] the truth. […]

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