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What happens when your heart is in two different places?

Which path do you choose when your happiness is in one state and your heart is in another?

I constantly create my every existence in a positive, creative, inspirational manner while I’m in Colorado. I see myself becoming the person I have always imagined. The person I knew I could be is transforming right before my very eyes. Confidence, independence, open heart, and strength is blossoming everyday I’m here. My heart is growing here. The girl who claimed “one day at a time” as her catch phrase is becoming whole again.

The other half of my heart is still in Minnesota. My friends, my family, my old life still remains. I hate living their, or at least I do right now. Parts of my old life I can never go back to. Minnesota still holds some of the darkness that I’m still too afraid to face. Memories intrude my vision. Feelings numb my body. But I miss my friends and family everyday. I wonder what and where I would be if I was in Minnetonka right now. Would I be able to grow the way I have over the past seven months? Would I be just as happy as I am now if I were to be back?

I know I wouldn’t be able to see my friends as often as I would think, but it’s different being in a completely different state. You can keep in touch to a certain degree, but when you’re having a shit day, or having the best day of your life, it’s not like I can call them up and say, “Can we grab a beer?” Like I said, I can’t imagine being back in Minnesota right now. I know I wouldn’t be happy living in the actual, physical state (if that makes ANY sense at all). But as time has taught me, the location doesn’t mean anything if the ones you love aren’t with you experiencing every moment with you. People matter. They make or break how you live. Everyone has an affect on everyone. Your body language, your tone, your presence. It makes a difference. I appreciate it.

I love my friends. They are my family. They are the ones who have stood by me when my world seemed to be loosing life. When suffocation was taking over my body, it was them who breathed life into my collapsing lungs again. I miss them. Everyday. I wish I could transport them all here and continue my life in Colorado. That would be ideal.

I will be in Colorado until I’m done with school again. I have about three or four more years here. But if I miss my friends and family this much, do I stay away just to follow an academic career and make myself as strong as I possibly can be? I’ve always put my career first. I took my friends, family, and relationships for granted because work always took lead. Do I continue to put it first and build myself (because let me tell you, I haven’t been this confident and happy about ME in 25 years) or do I go back to MN to be with my friends and family and put them first for once?

I’m stuck between two states.

One holds growth, the other holds love.

Where does one choose?

When will the silence of one or the other subside?

Growth vs love; it’s time to decide.


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